two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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