Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
