just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
