Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
