It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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