i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
