She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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