A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
