i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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