Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
