I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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