I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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