Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We are two peas in an std pod
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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