Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
