Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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