The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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