I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
