you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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