I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
