Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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