dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
