After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
