i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
