Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
