I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
