dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
