I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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