I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
