1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You need Xanax blowdarts
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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