Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize