I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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