My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
