so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
