Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
