Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
