READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
