When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
