If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
