she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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