just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
