Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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