you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
