I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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