could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
