Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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