Need sex. Gaining weight.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
