she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
please don't ironically join a cult
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