Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
sarcasm needs its own font
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
