Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
