just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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