so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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