Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
