In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
