FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
