Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
