I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
