How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
