Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
