I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
