Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
