So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
