shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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