So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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