Sponge bath it is.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
