i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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